Originally published on Advisor Perspectives

To maximize my happiness, I need to control my state of mind. This is easier than you think.

I used to get upset when family and friends accused me of being “controlling.” I found it confusing. While I have no desire to “control” others, I admit to wanting to “control” my own life.

That’s a worthy – but elusive – goal.

What “control” means

I need to set realistic expectations. While I would love to be in total control of my life, that’s not possible.

According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, the author of The How to Happiness, 50% of my ability to be happy isn’t within my control. It’s determined by genetics. I can control about 40% of my happiness, because it’s determined by my thoughts and actions. The remaining 10% is governed by external circumstances (like inherited wealth, who we marry, etc.). I have some – but limited – control over those factors.

Here’s what I found helpful about controlling my state of mind.

Accept yourself

I’m an introvert. I enjoy being alone.

My wife is an artist. She loves to be in her studio painting.

We also enjoy being together.

As I write this, it’s Sunday morning. I’m doing exactly what I enjoy: writing. She’s in her studio, painting.

We give each other the freedom to be alone.

We both know what makes us happy. It wouldn’t change the way we interact if others told us it was “odd” or “unhealthy.”

Nevertheless, I found solace in a study by researchers from Singapore Management University and the London School of Economics. They concluded there was an inverse relationship between socializing and happiness among more intelligent people. The more you socialize, the less happy you become.

That study doesn’t say there’s anything wrong with people who really enjoy socializing.

My takeaway is that everyone should be free to control their own life, without feeling guilty or obligated to change.

Control your state of mind

Here’s an anomaly. Almost everyone is familiar with Einstein’s definition of insanity.

If we continue to engage in activities that make us unhappy, the outcome will be the same.

Controlling your state of mind sometimes involves change. Here’s an example:

I don’t like social occasions with large groups of people. I find them boring and I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

My wife shares those views, but she finds a benefit in attending certain functions for a limited period of time.

I used to accompany her, with the predictable result. I was unhappy.

I no longer do that. She goes alone, stays briefly and returns home. We are both much happier because we have taken control.

Understand how the brain works

My research in psychology and neuroscience has had a profound, positive impact on my level of happiness. What I’ve found is that I can control my interactions with others, and reverse engineer a positive outcome.

By shifting the focus from talking about myself to showing a genuine interest in the other person, I’ve converted those experiences from “uncomfortable” to “pleasurable.” It’s supported by sound research.

Being in control of your state of mind is a conscious decision. It’s a commitment to change the way we think and act.

It’s a challenge with a big payoff.