Originally published on Advisor Perspectives, February 21, 2018

I meet hundreds of advisors every year. It’s the part of my work I enjoy most. The extremes fall into two categories: supremely self-confident and supremely reticent. Self-confident advisors are typically extroverts. Reticent ones are often introverts.

I fall into the reticent category. In a group setting, I’m unlikely to volunteer. I spent three years in law school and never spoke in class. Others thrived on expressing their opinions and engaging in spirited give and take with professors.

Which personality type is more likely to be a successful advisor?

The benefit of self-confidence

We’re all familiar with the self-confident personality. They never question their ability. They have all the answers, which they deliver in a way that leaves no room for doubt (or even discussion).

There are many reasons why some people form overly positive judgments of their abilities. One study suggested that appearing overly confident improves self-esteem and mental health. A false sense of confidence may also emanate from an inability to understand the limits of your abilities.

The same study identified meaningful benefits to appearing self-confident. Overconfident people were perceived as more competent by others and achieved higher social status as a result. Perhaps that explains the appeal.

The benefit of self-compassion

Whether you are an extrovert or someone who is uncomfortable strongly asserting your views, you would do well to engage in self-compassion, which involves “being kind, caring and understanding towards oneself when feelings of suffering are present…”

High self-esteem, without self-compassion, has a number of negative associations. There’s some evidence that those with high self-esteem have more difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Under some circumstances, high self-esteem can also be associated with selfishness and may lead to “increased self-focus and self-absorption, making it more difficult to act in a caring and giving manner towards one’s relationship partner.”

There are many benefits of self-compassion. Those who are kind to themselves are more psychologically balanced and have lower levels depression and anxiety. Self-compassionate people “report more happiness, optimism, life satisfaction and intrinsic motivation, as well as great levels of emotional intelligence, coping skills, wisdom and resilience than those who harshly judge themselves.”

The perception of partners of those with high self-compassion is very positive. They are seen as more caring and more accepting, and more able to compromise when dealing with conflict.

Learning self-confidence and self-compassion

A healthy combination of self-confidence and self-compassion is a worthy goal. Fortunately, both can be learned.

“Confidence coach” Steve Errey lists 63 ways to build self-confidence. His suggestions range from working out to learning new skills.

You can also learn how to increase your level of self-compassion. One study successfully trained young adults to engage in “compassion meditation,” which increased feelings for people who were suffering. Remarkably, the study found positive changes in brain function after only seven hours of self-compassion training.

The tension between self-confidence and self-compassion highlights a more significant issue: self-awareness. The successful advisor is likely to be keenly aware of his or her personality traits and enthused about striving to improve them.