Originally published on Advisor Perspectives, September 10, 2018

We assume that prospects will carefully scrutinize every detail of our appearance, the ideas we present and the depth of our technical knowledge. That’s wrong. Believing the spotlight is on us will cost you prospects and assets.

As I was dressing before giving a talk in Melbourne, disaster struck. One of my shoelaces snapped. I immediately overreacted. How could I give a presentation (especially in another country) with a broken shoelace? Surely, everyone would notice.

I rushed out of my hotel, walked several blocks to a drugstore and found a new pair of shoelaces. What a relief!

I was suffering from the “spotlight effect.”

Our distorted perception

The “spotlight effect” is our perception that others are focused intensely on something about us.

The reality is quite different. In my case, the length of my suit trousers actually covered part of the laces on my shoes. Even if some in the audience had an unnatural preoccupation with my shoes, it would have been difficult for them to see my broken shoelace.

Studies validate our distorted perception. In one experiment, a randomly chosen college student was told to make a late arrival to a meeting where a group of other students were ostensibly filling out a survey. The student was required to wear a t-shirt with a large image of Barry Manilow’s face on it. Mr. Manilow was chosen because of his unpopularity with college students.

The person wearing the t-shirt estimated that half the audience noticed his t-shirt. In fact, only about 25% of the students did.

Understanding why many of us suffer from the spotlight effect is important. It’s because we project our feelings on to others. I was concerned about my broken shoelace. I incorrectly assumed others would be as well.

Broad ramifications

The spotlight effect is a small part of larger issue that directly impacts the way you interact with prospects and clients.

I’ve spent the past five years researching psychology, particularly neuroscience, as part of a process of self-discovery and to assist you in converting more prospects into clients.

I started by examining individual issues and then pulled the research together to reach some overriding conclusions.

Among the topics I examined were self-awareness, the role of emotions, how the brain processes information, the limited attention span of both audiences and individuals, the impact of empowering people to talk about themselves and the role of likability and trust in the sales process.

Viewed individually, the results of my research are interesting, but inconclusive. When I pulled it all together, an entirely different picture emerged. Here’s my primary insight: We believe “it’s all about us.” Fair enough. But when you examine that belief, it can’t be accurate.

If you and I both believe “it’s all about me,” one of us has to be wrong. I may believe everyone is focused on my broken shoelace but, if you’re in the same audience, you may believe everyone is staring at the small stain on your shirt.

The spotlight effect teaches us our self-absorbed feelings are groundless or grossly inflated.

The key to winning clients is recognizing that the prospect believes the meeting is all about him or her. If you cling to the view that it’s really about you, you won’t grow your practice.